I believe that I received such a positive response from my birthmother when I found her because the PRIMARY REASON she placed me for adoption was due to external pressures. In her case she, nor her parents, could provide for me financially. Investigators have found that women who relinquished their child due to more internal reasons (like age, unpreparedness for parenthood, or desire to complete schooling) are less likely to instigate an active search. 1

I took a chance in contacting my birthmother even though I was scared that she would reject me, that she would not want contact. In my case things worked out well. I am aware that many birthmothers do not relish reunion. It cannot be forced: both parties have to be ready and prepared for this potentially life-changing event.

Though the reunion was a joyful event, it has reawakened many painful experiences for my birth mother. She says she has buried most of it, and does not remember details. She had followed the caseworker's advice: she has gone on with her life, secure in the knowledge that she had provided a suitable home for her baby and put the past behind her.

“ In this process, psychic numbness and denial, frequently associated with the earliest stages of grieving, are presented as permanent goals to be achieved. As a result, movement through the subsequent stages of grieving, considered necessary for human adaptation to loss are not made available to the birthmother.”

Unfortunately, the suppression of these painful feelings can come with a price.

We do not often talk of the past .

We have more control of the future than past events.

We concentrate on our present relationship.

1 SURRENDERING AN INFANT FOR ADOPTION: THE BIRTHMOTHER EXPERIENCE, Anne B. Brodzinsky in Psychology of Adoption, Edited by David. M. Brodzinky & Marshall D. Schechter, Oxford University Press: New York, 1990 (p. 304)

2 Ibid. (p. 309)

TOP