ISO [In search of] #1 - 6
Julie Lapalme [b.n. Monique Legault]
Montréal, Québec, Canada
September 15, 2000


ISO [In search of] #1: NON - IDENTIFYING INFO
When my brother and I were in our teens, our mother took us aside and showed us "the papers" — our own Social History. Afterwards, I was afraid of hurting my mother's feelings by revealing how much I wanted access to the information she showed us that day. I made many guilty visits to her bedroom, looking through her dresser and eventually found the documents in a shoe box in her closet. I meticulously copied out the information and then returned it to her room.

This document was compiled by the a Social Worker with the Children's Aid Society and contained information which could not be used to determine the whereabouts or identity of birth kin. This is why this document is sometimes called the adoptee's Non-Identifying Information or Background Information. It contains information on some or any of the following: race, age, religion, pastimes, and family situation of the birth parents. The amount and accuracy of the information was dependent on several factors: the work habits of the social worker or workers that were assigned to the case, the year in which the adoption took place, and the information provided by the birth mother. The information compiled for adoptions before the 70's was often sparse because the adoptees' background was considered of little importance. They were to be born 'as if' to their new parents and they were expected to adopt a new genealogical history. I was lucky with my two pages of information.

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ISO [In search of] #2: PASSIVE REGISTRY
I first heard of the A.D.R. when I was in College in Sudbury. Another student - an adoptee who had recently been reunited with her birth mother through the Registry - gave me the pamphlets. A.D.R. stands for Adoption Disclosure Registry. It is part of the Ontario Ministry of Community and Social Services.

Date: December, 1993
After writing to the A.D.R. and filling out the required forms, I was listed on the Registry. I was given a form with a registration number documenting the year I registered and several change of address forms to keep the A.D.R. informed of my whereabouts during the approximate seven year wait.

The Register is for those adult adoptees, birth parents and birth relatives (siblings and grandparents) who wish to contact each other/and or exchange updated information (both people must be registered) It was stressed in the documentation sent to me that I would only be notified if a birth relative was also registered.

I also sent out for the Adoption Order application form but at this time, I did not send it out, discouraged by the many steps and the involvement of a lawyer.

Date: 1996
When I first began to familiarize myself with the Internet , I discovered many Adoption sites dedicated to adoptee and birthparents. Many of these sites, like BirthQuest and ParentFinders, had Search Registries. I joined both these groups in hope of finding birth family.

I did not limit my search to on-line investigation as I also went to a Parent Finders' meeting in my own community . The mandate of Parent Finders — a non-profit organization run by volunteers — was to help reunite families separated by adoption and fostering. It was held in a small meeting room at a nearby hospital and filled with birth mothers, birth fathers and adoptees. The meeting was used to exchange information and provide support to its members.

I was not prepared for the amount of pain, anger and sadness present in the members' testimonies. It was hard to be unaffected by the emotions that surfaced as people talked of their searches and in some cases, their reunions with birth family. Most of the people present were middle aged. It was heartbreaking to hear the frustration and sadness of searching adoptees and birthparents, who were well aware of their advancing age and the time that was running out if they were to find a living relative.

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ISO [In search of] #3: THE SEVEN YEAR WAIT
There is a habitual seven year wait for those listed on the Adoption Disclosure Registry before a search can be undertaken due to the large number of people listed. As I registered in 1993, I expected that I would not receive any information until at least the year 2000. In the meantime, I continued to search using alternative methods like the Internet.

Many of the Adoption sites I found contained explicit directions on search procedures. I immediately sent for my Social History from the Children's Aid Society as I did not have an official copy. I also hoped that there might be additional information as my original copy dated from the 80's. This proved to be successful as the Children's Aid often updates information — like medical history — about either the adoptee (for the birth parent) or the birthparent (for the adoptee).

I filed for a certified copy of my Adoption Order. For this I needed to fill out an Affidavit in Support of Application to Director for a copy of an Adoption Order and have it commissioned. This meant signing it in the presence of a lawyer, a justice of the peace, or a notary public. I chose the latter for financial reasons.

Date: 4 October, 1996
When I received my Adoption Form, I found out the first initial of my last name at birth: that is the name that was given to me before I was adopted. My surname started with L and was followed by a serial number. This is because I was born in 1970. Those children adopted before this time had their full last name on their Adoption Order.

I already knew from my Social History that my birth name had been Monique. My birth certificate only has my adopted name on it as if I was born to my adoptive parents. According to the law in Canada, my original birth certificate — the birth certificate before I was adopted — is sealed. Adoptees do not have access to his information about themselves.

Date: 20 August, 1998
After a lengthy wait, I received my Social History from the Children's Aid. It did indeed contain updated information on the dates of my birth mothers' grandparents deaths. This information would later be used to cross-reference obituaries in Sudbury newspapers in a slow process of elimination and guesswork.

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ISO [In search of] #4: THE ACTIVE SEARCH

Date: 1 February 1998
I received funding from the Canada Council of the Arts to create the Orphan Train - Trained Tales project. Through research on Adoption related issues, I found the CanAdopt site and registered with them in 1998.

Date: Sun, 26 July 1998
I biked to Chester, Nova Scotia to attend the Service of Memorial for the Babies of The Ideal Maternity Home, organized by the Survivors and Friends of The Ideal Maternity Home. It found it to be a very emotional but uplifting event. A monument to all the babies at the Ideal Maternity Home was erected at the East Chester Recreation Center, directly next to the property of the Home. It burned down in 1962, and all that remains now is the personal residence of the owners William and Lila Young. The residence operated as a Bed and Breakfast but has since reverted to a private home.

Date: Sun, 18 Oct 1998
I encountered a 'searcher' on the CanAdopt mailing list from my hometown of Sudbury, Ontario. She volunteered to help me with my search. She asked me if I had my non-identifying information, my adoption order and if I was registered with the Adoption Disclosure Registry in Toronto. Another member of CanAdopt had volunteered to help me with my search months before, but nothing had resulted from this venture. Although my expectations were not high, I nonetheless sent copies of all the information I had. She read through my files, sifting for clues and we exchange many ideas, speculation and guess-work through email.

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ISO [In search of] #5: DISCLOSURE

Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998
During Adoption Awareness Month, I received an e-mail from my Searcher. Unbelievably, a month after she had initially contacted me, she emailed me asking for my permission to contact someone on my behalf. She advised me to not get my hopes up but that she was pretty certain she had located my birthmother. I did not sleep a wink that night.

Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998
The next day, with baited breath, I checked my e-mail and read that my Searcher had talked to my birthmother. I read the most beautiful words:

"she has acknowledged that she is indeed your bmom. (...) She was crying and she said " she is looking for me?"

This took away all my fears: I was afraid that I was a secret, or that she would deny having me and want no contact. She needed a few days to absorb everything and so my Searcher would get back to her on the weekend.

Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1998
My searcher talked to my birthmother and emailed me with her response.

"She is very happy that you have found her. She is extremely pleased to know that you have had a good life, it is something that has certainly concerned her since your adoption. She agreed to write you a letter through me, and I will forward it to you. (...)"

My Searcher advised me to take it slow and start with letter writing. As she had experience with Reunions, I agreed to have her act as an intermediary in the beginning.

Date: 2 January 1999
My birthmother and I wrote and exchanged pictures for a month. Visiting my family in Sudbury over the Christmas, I told my parents and my brother what had happened — I waited until I could talk with them in person. They were very supportive and excited for me. My mother had always told me, "(...) if it were me, I would want to know. It is a part of you."

In the New Year I met face to face with my birthmother. I met her at a restaurant with my Searcher and my father (adoptive) along for support. We all had coffee and then my birth mother and I were left to talk alone.

Right before the meeting, my searcher told me, "You know this is going to change your life. Everything will change after this." And she was right. Things are a little more complicated and my emotions can been up and down but, I would not change a thing. To know that she thought of me all these years as I thought of her makes my heart
warm. It is healing. I feel truly blessed to have had my adoptive parents raise me when she could not and to now have the opportunity to get to know each other and hopefully become friends.

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ISO [In search of] #6: THE MATCH

Date: February 2000
I received a letter from the A.D.R.. I was next on the list. As I had already found my birthmother, the next person they would search for was my birthfather. I thought my seven year wait to be over. However the A.D.R. predicted that it will be at least a nine month wait after I returned the Search Information Form. I thought it ironic: a true pregnant pause.

I was given a form with Issues for Consideration during the Search Process. They use vital statistics Records (births, deaths, marriages, etc....) and other public records and documents for their searches. In my case, my birthmother gave me much information on my birthfather and so I relayed these details to them.

A counselor was assigned to the case. At this date, I have still not heard from this appointed counselor. They explain in the letter that this is due to uneven workloads.

Talking to my birthmother, I was surprised to discover that she had not even known about the A.D.R. and thus, had never registered even though she always hoped to find me. It was a relief to know that I was not a secret: She had told her husband and children about me. Meeting them was not awkward at all. There was a sense of acceptance: this is just the way it is.

I have always wanted to pursue a relationship with my birthmother and yet I am ambivalent about meeting my birthfather. I admit to wanting to know more about this side of the family though, wanting to uncover that part of my genealogy. Though he knew a child was put up for adoption, he probably does not know that he had a daughter.

Date: October 2000
Visiting Sudbury for Thanksgiving, I was having lunch with my birthmother in the Valley. She had casually mentioned wanting to meet my mother as she had met my father on several occasions. My mother as well had expressed her wanting to meet my birthmother. I suggested we pop-in on my mother at work since it was 'just down the street.' My mom came to the door, visibly surprised and immediately greeted us both with a big hug. I did not have to tell her who this was: she said she knew. We all had tea and talked together, each with a big smile on their face. Afterwards, talking to my mother, she said that it felt good. She felt a connection. She felt that if it were not for my birthmother, I would never have been in her life. It was such an incredible feeling to have them both meet each other.

My cheminement has come full circle. Like a Figure 8.

[TALES]