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BIRTH HISTORY IN ADULTHOOD
Wendy Jane Eakings [b.n. Wendy Jane Bulek]
Kingston, Ontario, Canada
March 2001
I sit on a list for those involved in the adoption triad. [CanAdopt]
There are many stories...happy and not so happy. It is time for
me to be more public in speaking about adoption and the not-so-warm-and-fuzzy
aspects. There was once a time when people did not have access to
effective birth control methods, and the stigma for childbirth outside
of marriage was huge. This is no longer the case. The very least
that can be done for children, who arrive in this world because
of an unplanned pregnancy, is to be given a birth history in their
adulthood.
No one wants to talk about what happens to those who are adopted,
and now things get more and more complicated with surrogate parents,
anonymous sperm donors...isn't anyone thinking about how irresponsible
it is to create other human beings who may never know their origins?
All for what, so adults can have babies. WHO is thinking about these
children? These children, too, grow up and become adults with no
history and who live always with a missing part of their life.
I am an adoptee and can only speak to my experiences, and other
adoptee stories I have heard about. This is not to say that birth
parents and adoptive parents are not wounded in this process too.
Their stories NEED to be heard as well to round out the picture,
and to understand the extent to which alternative childbearing methods
need to be re-examined and restructured. These methods need to have
a conscience beyond the need of the moment.
I found my birth mother, and a half brother, about 24 years ago.
About five years ago, my birth sister found me. I started a group
while I was in University before there was Parent Finders, a government
registry, or anything else in place to help anyone involved in the
adoption triad.
What is sad to see is that not a lot has changed in many ways. For
me this has never been about whether or not someone is happy, or
not, with their adoptive parents. It's not about my having to be
grateful, any more than anyone else should be. This is about the
government, society, and anyone else that matters, recognizing that
the separation from genetic origins has its affect, and some people
suffer more than others. Everyone wants to forget about the bonding
between baby and mother when it comes to those children who must
be found alternative homes. I'm not saying anyone can do anything
to change it...but for heavens sake, at least acknowledge that there
can be some trauma involved. Birth parents also experience the trauma
of loss and some marginalization, adoptive parents experience the
trauma of first of all not being able to have children, are then
put through a rigorous screening process, and cope with the often
sudden arrival of a child...not often much time to prepare emotionally;
and adoptees always wonder and are made to feel guilty, ungrateful,
or messed up, if they want to know more...some people just don't
feel whole without all of the information.
In my opinion, NO CHILD, and one day an adult, should be left without
a history of genetics. It is NOT right, ethical, or moral. While
I am happy to have been able to be the child that my parents could
not have, I have roots that are an integral part of who I am too.
I should not have to beg, lie, and practically steal to get information
that by rights is everyone else's. The government and society should
not allow this to continue. A history that was given to my adoptive
parents when I was an infant was a snapshot in time. It is no longer
current, nor does it provide accurate information about health developments
that occur over time. There should be a system in place where birth
parents are required to keep updated information, even if it is
anonymously done, and where their children can have access to the
information. There are so many wonderful forms of technology that
could be utilized for this.
The adoption process promotes secrecy, and the ongoing stigmas that
come from that. There is no longer the shame that there once was,
in having a child out of marriage. There is no longer any reason
to make all parties continue the lies and secrecy forever. These
are terrible burdens for all members of the triad to carry, and
serve only to promote fear, anxiety, resentment, and sometimes anger.
ANYONE who wants to know his or her origins should have that right...
Adoption is a method by which birth parents can find homes for children
they are unable to keep, and for adults who are unable to child-bear,
to have children. The focus needs to extend beyond the adoption
application process and acquiring children, to thinking about the
adoptive child as they grow and develop. It does not have to be
nature vs. nurture...it should be a blending of both and an understanding
that one CANNOT replace the other. I am not angry about my adoption...it
was a good decision on behalf of my birth mother. I am angry about
how adoption is done, the prevailing mindset and insensitivity,
and how I am to be treated for the rest of my life. I want ALL of
my records...no questions asked. I am an adult now and they should
be mine. There is no longer anyone to protect and nothing to be
served with lies and secrecy. I am not responsible to protect others
forever for the lies told a very long time ago.
Adoption is a wonderful alternative to having one's own children...but
it
has to be a process based in truth and integrity for everyone. People
make mistakes, but the adoptive child, even as an adult, carries
the burden of the lies and secrets...it is not good for children
to grow up with a shroud of secrecy, and it's not good for adults
to lie. Moreover, it is a travesty to perpetuate a system that facilitates
secrecy and half-truths. One lie creates a series of lies and insists
on the complicity of innocent people.
[TALES]
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